Friday, August 28, 2009

10 Changes That Will Make Deadmines More Heroic

  1. The Defias Traitor now offers a new daily heroic quest: The Big Pay. It sends you into Heroic Deadmines to acquire the Head of VanCleef, and pays double the normal daily quest reward amount.
  2. Rhahk'Zor is now a two-headed ogre. Both heads have to be killed simultaneously, else the living head will resurrect the dead one. Aggro speech changed to "VanCleef pay bigger for your heads!"
  3. Miner Johnson promoted to Majer Johnson (yes, the misspelling is intentional). He now dual wields mining picks.
  4. The Sneed's Shredder encounter is now a vehicle fight for which players have to use catapults, motorcycles, ballistae, siege vehicles, and/or gnomish flying machines to succeed. However, the shredder itself is still susceptible to the Gnomish Universal Remote.
  5. Sneed himself must now be fought by all 5 players jumping into his Shredder (now a 5-person vehicle) and using it to stop him. Two players stand on the shoulders and attack via the newly built-in turrets, one pilots and repairs the shredder, one manages the saw blade and fuel supplies, and the last uses the grappling arm to grab planks of lumber for repairing and barrels of pyrite for fuel. Combat pets can sit in front of the primary screen and play StarCraft: Brood War*.
  6. Gilnid is now known as The Smelterer, and now smeltinates the foundryside with cool new abilities like Molten Ore and Melt Metal.
  7. Mr. Smite has fallen in love and started a family. Players now face not Mr. Smite alone, but the bovines he commands (namely Mrs. Smite and the Smite-ettes). The Smite family now improvises with interpretive dance. Your party will have to /dance for supremacy. To facilitate this, the Dance Battle System will finally make it into the game!
  8. Cookie has hired an ooze named Cream. Additionally, the pair now have a chance to drop main and off-hand fist weapons with brand new models—salt and pepper shakers! Hooray! Be warned, though, defeating one will cause the other to kick it up a notch. BAM!
  9. In an effort to become more politically correct, Captain Greenskin has been renamed Captain Jadepidermis. Also, he can now summon sharks. With friggin' laser beams. On their heads.
  10. Regular Deadmines was merely a setback! The Defias Kingpin has returned...with a vengeance! Edwin VanCleef has upgraded his Madcap's Outfit to a complete set of Totally Triumphant VanCleef's Battlegear, and now dual wields pirates who dual wield cutlasses. Also, those cutlasses have a chance on strike to summon ninjas. Ninjas with turtles. Teenage ninjas with turtles. Mutant turtles. And also a giant sewer rat. Plus, he's now 34.33% (repeating, of course) Cleefier than ever before.
*: For those of you who don't get the reference, see this.


  1. Brilliant! I especially love the atrociously elaborate vehicle fight. :P

  2. The Sneed fight needs to then lead to him jumping into an even bigger shredder and starting a bizarre mecha battle, if you ask me.

  3. Nah, I'm saving the super-ridiculously complex mecha fight for something special. *cough*Heroic Gnomeregan*cough* Trust me, I haven't even scratched the surface of "atrociously elaborate" yet. ;)

  4. I laughed... and laughed... and had to leave the building, cause I couldn't stop laughing... thanks to the Annas for pointing me here...

  5. This was indeed epic :) thanks very much.

    Although, you totaly forgot to mention other 2 famous things about DM - the cannon shooting the door and.... them damned parrots.

    PS: What are the chances of Mr. Smite actually being a paladin in Cataclysm?

  6. Hillarious! I love the idea of Mr. Smite having a family. I also agree with blueberrytotem -- Mr. Smite should be a paladin!

  7. This post is so much win.